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I don’t think my friends ever thought me normal, OK laugh if you will ! I don’t pretend that I did NOT have relationships, all the usual angst, that goes with them, laughter, rows, arguments, regrets and more ? Of course I did!
What I found, was more and more the effects of materialism creeping in, you didn’t need her, to feel appreciated, just produce your wallet, spend money and ...
I once spent a whole day with someone who only wanted to look in gold shops, at gold chains gold chains gold chains believe me I kid you not ! The place was historic, beautiful in its own right ? Yet the glint of sunlight wasn’t what glinted in her eyes... ! The countryside, the coast, the beaches, the sea.. ask me if I want a walk around a shopping mall or along the beach ? !
How YOU look ! Oh yes,, lets not leave that one out ! Women think men, are all about how a woman looks! What she has to offer and the belief, that its based upon what she can offer between the sheets, lets have no misconceptions I found women to be far worse ! Its all about how the guy looks, how much money he has, the car he drives, future prospects and?
YET I can understand that there is some element of sense in that. BUT not when it comes to women wanting equality and making an issue of it. If the coin were reversed, them as the provider would they think the same about us males bleating on about equality?
I always remember when I was younger, going into a bar and there being a punch up, between guys.. not now ! Its the females slugging it out ! That’s if they’re not getting hammered, swigging back booze, wanting to be one of the lads, binge drinking, spewing, swearing... spoiling for a fight or winding the boyfriend up to protect their honour with him getting or giving a black eye or worse and ending up getting nicked in the process! Who the hell wants to take that female out, knowing its almost always, going to end up, a well and truly ucked up evening!
Oh yes over the years I drifted more and more away from that, as for personal hang ups, baggage in tow and and... I just figured I was getting more and more selfish about what I actually wanted from my partner ?
The time I spend at my spot, the hidden cove, the walks on the beach the times spent with her ? She had my time, she had my heart, simply because she was not materialistic, not drunk at the end of the evening spewing up swearing or passing out.
My writing had been intensive, I wasn’t out to be famous, to be wealthy, what the hell can you do with money ? buy love ? Buy affection ? Have the relatives and others swarming round with a list as long as your arm of their NEEDS their MUST HAVE, NEED URGENTLY ... The ugly reality, of having to make decisions, to face up to saying ‘get lost’ or simply NO ?
Hoping you can get away fast enough so you don’t have to listen to them accusing you of everything they can re your refusal to be taken a mug for.
NO ! I don’t envy anyone rich, loaded or otherwise similar in life.. in my own way I was rich, my moments of peace of tranquility I shared with her... What price, could anyone put on that ? Which brought me to that moment in time, a realisation, that I was not in love with humanity, but then over the years I had come to see, the real face of humanity, its spite, its grotesque ugly mask of insincerity and lies, of deceit and greed, of stubborn pride and jealousy, envy and evil manifest. Bankers, politicians, big business out to screw over the common individual at any cost.
Choices ? What could be on offer ? What she, had to offer ? The lure, the thought and how good it felt, to think it, to leave what was, IS; behind? IF it were possible to be with her all the time ? Would I ?
To hold her and how I missed not holding her, for loneliness, I think loneliness, IS when you truly wake in the morning with no one by your side, to turn and hold, to cuddle up to, to whisper, to love...
to walk away from this humanity ? .... to replace it with child like simplicity ? child like innocence ?
Ready to make a decision ? That was when Marianne came into my life....
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